Today, as Amy and I came back from our daily walk, we passed through the PICU and saw our PICU neighbor being led away from her son, Ernie's room by what seemed to be a social worker. She looked as though she had lost the will to live. Behind her were what appeared to be Ernie's siblings, and they were crying uncontrollably. Amy and I stopped in the hallway and held each other crying and praying.
Later in the day, Amy walked by Ernie's room, and it was empty.
I can't express the deep sadness Amy and I have for what appears to be the obvious. Ernie was only eleven or twelve. He had been in the PICU for over a month. Within the last few days, since we've been here, his lung collapsed and they had to sedate him, putting him on a breathing machine. Amy had an opportunity to talk with Jesse and pray with her a few days ago, but it just doesn't seem enough.
Now she's gone, and her family is gone. I dont know if she has the saving power of Jesus in her life. Even if she does, she was obviously broken. How does she get out of bed tomorrow? How could I? How do you make sense of life? I'm angry at God for letting this happen to an innocent child. I question how could Jesse possibly put her faith in a God that would let her precious son suffer for so long, only to take him in the end. Isn't that just cruel? Wouldn't that just shatter any hope for her to find and put her trust in God. Who could possibly survive sitting by helpless, watching their son suffer through such agony?
Jesse, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I couldn't do something to save your son. I'm sorry I couldn't comfort you. I'm sorry I won't see you tomorrow. I'm sorry I get to sleep with my son tonight and I have the hope that we may soon be able to go home and once again be a whole family. I'm sorry you won't. I'm sorry that if I could trade places with you, I wouldn't. I'm sorry.
I wish there was something I could do. All I can do is pray for her. I wish I could pray with her. I don't know if it would comfort her. I don't know if she would even hear me. I don't know if she's heard anything anyone has said in the last 8 hours since we saw her. I don't think I would. Jesse, I'm sorry.
I've been trying to memorize scripture this past week, and I'm lousy at it. One of the verses I'm trying to memorize is:
Isaiah 33:2 "Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."
This is my prayer for Jesse. This is my prayer for Amy. This is my prayer for myself.
2 comments:
I'm so so sorry for Ernie's family too. I can't even imagine the heartache. And I'm sorry for little Caleb and all of your family :(. I'll contiinue my fervent prayers for all of you! We love you!!!
Just like many of my days... I don't know HOW but God will be glorified by Ernie, Caleb and Alec too... It all seems so senseless and a waste to us.... I can only pray for Ernie's family that they come to know Jesus and be loved (and love and forgive God)... I am so deeply saddened for u... And like you, I'm sure, I'm so thankful tonight for the "problems" and Illness that Alec is fighting because I can hug and kiss him tight. And be hugged back. Very moving post, Josh, I feel that u are a huge blessing for me and my son and the trials we go through. I feel like everyday, you and Amy and Caleb are helping to power us toward the FAther. ThankYOU. And we love you guys!
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