Caleb - Courageous - Loyal (post by Josh)

So Thursday was turning out to be a great day.  I was entering day 21 of when I first contracted poison oak and the itching had finally stopped. I was busy at work and wasn’t too terribly worried about finances anymore. Amy had just texted me to remind me to come home on time because we were going to Texas Roadhouse to celebrate her dad's birthday. The kids were super cute and awesome.  Life in general was just great! 

As I got in my car to drive home at 5 o'clock Amy called with what was about to change our lives forever.  That morning she had taken Caleb in to see the doctor because he had a cold he couldn't seem to shake.  Just to be on the safe side, the doctor ordered blood work because he looked pale, and wanted to rule out anemia.  As was typical with Kaiser, we received an email with the results of the blood work when it came in.  Amy saw the results and thought it was strange that so many of the results were outside of the normal range.  Then she got the call.  It was not typical to receive a call from a nurse telling us to take Caleb to the ER immediately.  Amy didn’t know what to think, so she called me and told me to come home right away, we needed to go to the ER with Caleb.

We packed up the family, and instead of going to Texas Roadhouse for an amazing meal we had been looking forward to all week, we dropped off Baker and Eli with Jim and Sue, and headed for the ER with Caleb, not knowing what to expect.  The drive was a quiet drive, as neither one of us wanted to let our minds wander very far.  Maybe this had something to do with Caleb's new habit of eating dirt when playing outside, or the sidewalk chalk he had eaten like a corn on the cob.  They probably just wanted to give him some medicine or run an x-ray to make sure there wasn’t something else he had eaten that he wasn’t supposed to.

When we checked in with Caleb, they got us into an ER room, where they had a very nice doctor come in who told us, “The levels of his blood work undoubtedly point to leukemia.  He has low hemoglobin and high white blood cell counts.  We’re in the process of arranging transport for you up to the pediatric ICU in our Roseville facility.  I know you probably have lots of questions................................... “

I didn’t hear the rest of what he said.

Our beautiful, bubbly, energetic, curious, always smiling, little boy who at the moment was intent on playing in the sink in the room we were in had just been diagnosed with a type of cancer that the only thing I knew about was based on my memories of a childhood friend that was diagnosed and was given almost no chance of surviving.   WHAT!… WHY?... Why?.... why.

  

He's so innocent… and perfect… and full of joy.  He's my little buddy.  He was my Caleb.  My little man.  My lima bean.  I always knew that if I had a boy I would name him Caleb, and he and I would be God's warriors, strong in faith, just like the biblical Joshua and Caleb.  

We tend to view life as a series of peaks and valleys, and we had recently been praising God for the peak we seemed to be recently ascending.  Life was looking good.  We felt like we had just started to get our feet on some stable ground.  And now the floor just dropped out from under us.  Why?  Doesn't God know we're not strong enough to handle something of this magnitude?  Our lives have always been blessed.  We've been the strong ones for others in need.  We try to help others.  But we're not strong enough to handle something ourselves! 

As I'm writing this, 3 days after being admitted, I realize how silly that is.  God doesn't want us to handle anything on our own.  My sister brought a wonderful 365 daily devotional.  Here’s an excerpt from August 18 (the day she gave it to us, and the first full day in PICU):

“ Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world… The main problem with an easy life is that is masks your need for Me… Anticipate coming face to face with impossible situations totally beyond your ability to handle.  Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence.”  Woa.  

In addition to the devotional, Pastor Perry and others have given us verses to read.  One of the great things about an iPhone, is I have a Bible app which I’m able to take notes on as I read verses.  So I’ve also been able to refer back to some of these as well.  God and His word have never been so alive in our lives.  I love the imagery God gives us in Isaiah 40:30-31 when He talks of children growing tired and weak, but if we hope in the Lord, He will renew our strength and we will soar on wings like eagles.  I’ve also found strength in Isaiah 33:2, “Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you.  Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.”

As much as I wished we weren’t going through this right now, I have so many things to praise God for.  I praise God for our family, friends and church family.  We have so many people wanting to help however they can.  We’re only a few days into this, and we already have amazing stories of how people have helped.  We’ve already seen everything from yard work, to supplies of breast milk being donated for Eli. (Yes, you read that right!  And yes, it is plural)  We’ve had visitors every day, which words can’t express how grateful we are for.  It’s allowed Amy and I have some much needed personal time, as well as lifted Caleb’s spirits.  Although, Caleb has been so wonderful through everything so far.  Rarely does he cry.  I guess if he did, he wouldn’t be Caleb.  He always has a smile on his face.  The doctor’s are amazed at how happy he is. 

Amy and I know this is going to be a long haul.  I think our fear of the unknown is the worst part in this.  We know all we can do is put our hope in God, and know that He is an awesome God.  No matter how experienced the doctors may be, no matter what the success rate for treating this type of cancer, without God on our side, it is all futile.  

Knowing that, I have several prayers.  I pray that Caleb would never lose his joy.  This is a prayer I began months ago.  As he has grown, his sinful nature has displayed itself, requiring more and more discipline.  I’ve become concerned, and begun to pray that I wouldn’t “discipline” the joy out of him.  Now I pray that he would maintain his joy throughout his treatments, and that his joy would be supplanted with the overwhelming joy of the Holy Spirit.  I pray God would give us strength each morning to overcome whatever adversity we might face.  I also pray that we would have opportunities to encourage others while we’re in the hospital.  There is a lot of sadness in the PICU and pediatric wing, both with the parents and the children.  I pray God would shine through our lives and brighten the day of those we are able to interact with.  I pray for the safety of our friends and family that drive the long distance to come visit us.  I pray for Baker and Elijah.  I pray they would not feel overlooked or neglected as we travel down this road.  Lastly, I pray for healing for our precious little Caleb.  I pray that although we look forward to the day where this is all behind us, I pray that we would treasure all the little moments of watching each of our children develop and grow over the next few years.  That our memories would not be overshadowed by treatments and doctor visits.  That they would be filled with memories of potty-training, and learning to swim, and building forts, and all the other little things that create a childhood.

Before I sign off on this very long post, I need to mention one more thing…

When Baker was born, one of my prayers was that I would accept whatever God's plan is for her life.  That I would recognize she is His child before she is mine.  That I would not fight Him over her.  Whether illness, or missionary work in a faraway land, I wanted to dedicate her life to Him.  When Caleb was born, I prayed the same thing, but not as fervently.  I was seeing Baker grow up, and it was getting harder to pray that prayer for my children.  I was getting selfish.  I loved them, and didn't want to see any harm come to them.  I didn’t want them to be called away from me.  I enjoyed them too much!  By the time Elijah was born, that prayer was a distant memory.  Not that it was intentionally ignored, It had just been slowly replaced by other prayers, as it was not on the top of my list of priorities anymore.  Now we prayed for things like patience, and wisdom to raise our children to be obedient.  We asked God to help us to raise them to be generous, courageous to speak God’s word, kind to others, and above all else, for our children to love God and to ask Jesus to be their personal Lord and Savior so that the Holy Spirit would fill them and help them to make good decisions in life. 

This is a bold wakeup call that my children are not a gift from God, but just a wonderful and beautiful loan from God.  And he does want them back, and I have no control over the timing of when.  My job is just to make sure that when he calls them home, I've done all I can to raise them in a way that they know that God's home is their true home, and that they know their way there.